what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
