and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
