the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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