The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
