if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
