i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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