My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
mondays should just be called national damage control day
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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