Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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