yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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