very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
