I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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