Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
