Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
