Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
