Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
