What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
