You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
