Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
