So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
