We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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