remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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