I cannot find my penis.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize