I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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