well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
