I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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