I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
