It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
