Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
