Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize