happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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