i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
