just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
