when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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