Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
