god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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