I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
