her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
