I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
