don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
