Did you just see the Batmobile???
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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