Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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