you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
