I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
