Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When did angry sex become our thing?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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