we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize