So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
