A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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