you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
