How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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