the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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