he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
