Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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