you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
