i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
