Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
