i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
