thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
