is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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