Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize