anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize