from now on my penis is your penis
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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